Beautiful Chaos

Finding adventure in the everyday

hope and disappointment


Once upon a time, there was a beautiful woman who had a hope. It wasn’t an unreasonable hope by any means, one that would require the moving of mountains or the calming of seas. Her hope was even something that she was made for. Something that was woven into the very being of who she was. Part of the story of so many women who went before her, and yet the hope was still so great.

She’d been in the same situation with the same hope once before. The hope she held then wasn’t met. This ordinary hope that so many women take for granted, that so many women don’t even see. And now here she was again, still hoping.
She didn’t keep this weighty hope to herself or try to manipulate the hope into being. Instead she offered the hope to the One who fulfills hopes. The One who holds the sun and moon, the One who knows each hair on her head. She shared her hope with Him in countless whispers and silent tears heavy with fear and vulnerability.

And our heroin, she didn’t get her hope.
Yes, there was so much beauty still. So much to be thankful for. You see, there was the hope and there was also the gift. What the hope was to bring, still came. The gift was still there. And to be sure, the gift was what everything was all about.

But there was also disappointment. Sorrow at what was lost.

And we know her story, because it is also our own. We have all had hopes and that led to disappointments. Things in our life that aren’t what we dreamed they could be. Not even what they were meant to be.

Hope is such a courageous place to live. It requires putting our heart into something unknown and uncontrollable. Hope requires allowing our desire to be what we walk towards not knowing what the outcome will be. Hope is so costly.
The One who has power over the wind and rain, the One who speaks life into being chose not to give this hope to her. And regardless of the good gift at the end, the gift that was the whole point, the disappointment is still glaringly painful. It speaks ugly words at the woman about her flawed nature that she didn’t get this common hope.
We are told by the story that the One is good, and by faith we believe it’s true, but the question remains. Why? Why her when she hoped so bravely and pleaded so fervently? Why, when so many others were pleading on her behalf? Why, when this hope is so natural, so swirled into her very nature would she not be given it? 
And maybe we’re asking the wrong questions as we watch the story unfold, but out hearts ache and our minds search for understanding, and in those moments the questions are all that come.
And we take those questions and our achy hearts and we present them back to the One, because on our own those questions only lead to anger and fear. But what will He do with those questions? If this One can shut the mouth of lions and rain down fire from heaven, if He is mighty enough to part seas and raise the dead, what will His response be to our questions?
Love. What He breathes over us is love. Because His heart is achy too. His world is broken. His babies, us, we suffer and He never meant for it to be that way. His heart breaks with ours. He never meant for so many tears and so much pain. 
Long ago, He had a hope too. A hope that we would choose him and only him. And He so wanted our choosing, our love and devotion to be real that He allowed us free will. The ability to love back or choose our own way. And when we didn’t choose Him, choose love, the world broke. 

We broke the world.
And now here we are. Living in this broken mess we made, hand in hand with the One, acknowledging the disappointments yet walking on. Thankful that the Gift to trump all gifts still came, despite the broken hope.
So, instead of the questions that separate us and make us feel alone, let us run towards the One who has always been running towards us. Let us keep hoping because a life without hope is really no life at all. And let us trust the love of the One who has never left us to clean up the mess alone. 
And when we see fellow women in the story, heavy from disappointment, let us not downplay their pain or tell them to see only the gift. Let us breath love over them like the One does for us. Let us join with them in the struggle for understanding and letting go. Let us respond in the same way we see the One responding to us in our times of disappointment. Let us love.
posted under Life with God

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