Beautiful Chaos

Finding adventure in the everyday

Letting go

January22

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I’ve been realizing these past few weeks that I need to become more selfless with my days. Not that the way I’ve been mothering isn’t selfless. We go on library trips and play dates, I read them books and help them with crafts, I play games and mediate their many squabbles. But I’m realizing I am still holding on to a lot.

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I’m still trying to squeeze some “me” time into every day, still trying to ensure that I get what I need. I’m saying “no” more than I’d care to admit and not diving in to their grand ideas like I want to. I’m still holding on to me and my preference and what I want. Afraid of what it will mean if I don’t protect my space.

Not that those things are bad. I don’t have to disappear as a person or totally neglect myself. I count as a valuable part of this little crew we have here, and my wants are right and worthy of attention.

But this. This staying home and allowing my kids to explore and learn means I need to be present. And not just present meaning I hear what they have to say, but that I set aside my agenda to help them build a fort. To read them a book. To watch YouTube videos on how crayons are made.

And I have to let go.

I have to let go of clean floors and vacuumed rugs and empty counters and spotless dishes. I have to let go of getting all the laundry clean and put away. I have to let go of house-wide tidiness and organization. I have to let go of solid chunks of writing time, text conversations with friends at any moment and fiction books that remind me the world is big and my story is bigger than these 4 walls. I have to trust God to provide the space he created me to need.

I have to embrace the chaos.

And my inner self is cringing and fighting and trying to rationalize having it my way. But I’ve been doing it my way, and there’s not enough time. There’s not enough time for all the cleaning, let alone cleaning AND playing. Cleaning, crafting, playing, napping, nursing, eating and learning (not that learning is a separate entity, but I’ll write more about that another day).

So, I’m hoping to do different. I know there will be moments during the day where my kids are off on their own adventure, sailing the seas on their bunk bed pirate ship, and I’ll get time for me. And maybe we’ll fall into a rhythm of 4:00 clean the house together time, before I go start dinner. But my priorities in our day have to change. And hopefully I can embrace the way we bumble through figuring out what it looks like for us. Because it will look different for us than others, so there really is no blueprint.

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